Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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