Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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