I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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