next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
