I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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