Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
