So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize