I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
