I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
