I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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