Just fell off a train. Bad.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
