Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
