he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize