it's too hot outside to masturbate.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
