I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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