theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
