i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
PANTIES FOUND
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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