We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
