I'm gonna have a badass scar
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
