I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
