I think I died a long time ago.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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