Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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