Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
