Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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