went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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