it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
