Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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