why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
