"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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