I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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