Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
