Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I love you.
Bad choice
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