Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
