i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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