Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
