Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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