R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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