Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize