Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
