Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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