I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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