Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
