Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
