and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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