the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
