Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
