I think im going to throw up on grandma
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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