put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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