woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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