I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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