I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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