I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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