He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
