His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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