I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
